French Bliss?

What do I remember of high school mathematics? Not a whole damn lot, that’s for sure. I never had enough audacity to raise my hand and ask “so, what exactly is the point of learning how to do a geometrical proof?” but I was always silently cheering for those who did. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only lessons that stayed with me were the ones that seemed at least half-way applicable to real life. One of them being that when dividing, no matter how close to zero you get, you will never quite reach it. This bit of common sense immediately struck me as analogous to a lot of things in life- the pursuit of happiness for example. Everything is perfect sauf...

Installer is a verb I just recently learned and one that I have begun to use with great frequency. It means: to settle in. C’est difficile d’installer ici. Je ne suis pas encore installer. Ce fait longtemps d’installer. ( It’s difficult to settle in here. I’m not settled in yet. It takes a long time to settle in). Now however, I am beginning to have certain moments where I really do feel- may I- -installed- in this city (thank you). I’ll be walking down the foliage lined streets with a scarf around my neck and a fresh croissant in hand- breathing in the crisp autumn air and enjoying the view of the glistening Rhone river. At these times, it’s as though I’m heading straight towards the ever elusive Zero of French Bliss. And this is when I will trip.

If not trip, then think that I’ve forgotten to turn my stove off (I never have, but I have a preternatural paranoia about burning down my apartment). Or otherwise, realize that I have forgotten to do something essential involving paperwork. Or whatever. The fact is- I have not had one boring day since I’ve been in France. And I should love this, right? In part, I do. On the other hand, I just want life to be predictable every now and then. Predictability can be boring, but it also puts you at ease. It allows you to sleep, to relax, to pay attention in class without thinking of the 35 million things you must do afterwards. I feel as though I must be really bad at this installation business, because after seven weeks in France, I still spend most of my time running errands. Each one seems to bring me a little closer to installation, but not quite. Actually, that’s not true. Some things I will accomplish only to discover out that they open the door to a milieu of further obligations. It’s so frustrating!

Luckily, I have a great group of friends. Friends who seem to find it more endearing than creepy when I break down in tears while trying to host a small evening gathering. Friends to drink coffee with at 8:30 am after our professor has yet again failed to turn up for our 8am class. Friends to go to McDonalds with when the internet isn’t working, and to get slowly enraged with when it fails to work at McDonalds, too. Friends with which I can share bottles of wine, wedges of cheese, notes from class, and crazy stories concerning the trials and tribulations of life in France. At the risk of sounding sentimental, I don’t know what I’d do without them.

My goal now, is to branch out a little, to get to know the people who live here. I finally got around to texting Elena, the Spanish girl who I met on the way to the metro station. We just had coffee together today—so great! Though she speaks very good French, she understands the difficulties of being a foreigner because she’s only lived here for a year, and didn’t know much French beforehand. Talking to her is just a really fun, non-intimidating way to learn the language- and that’s what I’m looking for.

I love the fact that all the exchange students bond while they’re here- there’s something almost poignant about the fact that we’re all on this same mission, struggling together. But I don’t want to only be friends with exhange students because it has an odd way of isolating you from authentic French life, of making the whole study abroad experience feel like an extended vacation rather than simply…life.

It is difficult, of course, when you’ve got severely compromised linguistic skills. You have to find people who are patient, and sometimes it feels like nobody here is. Especially when I wake up to a symphony of cars honking their horns on the street next to my residence—not exactly serene. Or when people shove past you to get onto the train. Or when the boulangere sighs loudly as you rummage through your purse to find those ever elusive centiemes that seem to be in surplus when you don’t need them and in hiding when you do. It’s hard not to let these sort of things slowly eat away at your morale, your resolve to succeed. But Elena was kind enough to teach me a very good phrase. Je m’en fous. What does it mean? Essentially: I don’t give a damn.

Go ahead and giggle when I mix up my tenses, or can’t find the button to open the tram doors, or ask you to repeat something . Je m’en fous.

But I fear that my tone here is bordering on defiant, caustic even. It doesn’t convey all the giddy pleasure that living here gives me, such as:

- walks through the Parc de la Tete d’Or

- or alternatively, feeding geese at the Parc de la Tete d’or, and watching little kids chase the geese, then proceeding to chase my friend who insisted that he didn’t “mind being chased” only to scream STOP STOP! when a group of us put that statement to test

- taking a boat down the Rhone river to a modern art exhibit (la Biennale)

- making droll comments about the general non-sensicality of the art exhibit with my friend

- dancing on a boat with friends (some of whom go all out on the dance floor)

- dinner parties—need I say more?

- Cramming lots of people into my little studio apartment for spontaneous parties that involve unofficial karaoke to Madonna

- Those moments in class when I really get what the teacher is talking about (okay, so that was a not-so-well-disguised attempt to counterbalance all the references to partying…but it’s true!)

Il parrait que ce pays m’avoir changé. Je pense toujours maintenant de les choses que je veux faire, les endroits que je veux voyager, les nouveaux choses que je veux apprendre. Pourquoi est-ce que c’est le cas? Je ne sais pas, mais quand-même, c’est très bon. Il parrait que ce change de la vie avoir ouvrit mes yeux des nouveaux possibilities. Il m’avoir montré qui je suis et ce que je veux vraiment. C’est fascinée, ce change. Je suis tellement heureause que j’ai decidé de ne rester pas à Chapel Hill. Bien sûr, Chapel Hill me manque- quelquefois plus que les autres. La semaine dernière, je ne pouvait cesser de la penser. Ohlala- le yogurt pump, les arbres, l’union des étudiants ou l’internet marche TRES TRES BIEN! Mais maintenant, je n’ai auncun désir d’y revenir. Ce me rend heureause parce que j’avais peur que je resterais comme ça pour la reste de ma visite. Mais c’était simplement une période, je peut voir maintenant. Et j’ai fini avec cette période là.

It seems this country has changed me. I’m always thinking now of the things I want to do, the places I want to travel, the new things I want to learn. Why is this so? I don’t know, but all the same it’s very good. It seems that this change in my life has opened my eyes to new possibilities. It has shown me who I am and what I really want. It’s fascinating, this change. I’m so happy that I decided not to stay in Chapel Hill. Of course, I miss Chapel Hill, sometimes more than others. Last week I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Ohlala- yogurt pump, the trees, the student union where the internet works VERY VERY WELL! But now, I don't have any desire to return there. This makes me happy because I was afraid that I would feel like that for the rest of my stay. But it was simply a phase, I can see now. And I’m finished with that phase.

As always, please excuse the cheesiness. And the bad French.